Maybe it was Janne Robinson, or maybe it was Brook Hampton, or maybe it was some other unapologetic woman who said it first, but “ I will never be a well behaved woman”, hit differently. It shook me. It turned me inside out, spun me upside down and set me on my feet with a gentle nudge that said, “Now go. It’s your turn”.
“I will never be a well behaved woman” has become my affirmation, my morning mantra, my evening prayer. It has been the power that propels me during the time I feel like I can't go on. It is the fire that burns inside. It is the thread that binds me to my sisters around the world. It is why I rise. It is why I speak up. It is why I crave more. It is why my soul is restless. It is why I wander. It is why I seek both connection and solitude. It is why I blow into the room like a tornado one day and disappear into the wallpaper the next.
Never truly fitting in or belonging anywhere, I have always remained just outside the container like the liquid overflowing a cup. I have been labelled flighty and incorrigible. I have been branded as both a slut and a frigid bitch. I have been told I am so easy to open up to… and told I am too distant. I am always too loud or too quiet. Too fat or too thin. Too plain or too fancy. I work too much, or I don’t work enough. I should “know my role”, and “stay in my lane”. I should learn to do it myself and I should find a man to begin the next chapter of my life. I should have kids. I shouldn't enjoy the single life so much.
I am not here to fit into your boxes. I am here to stand out, to make noise and shake things up.
Following what feels good for me, what brings me joy, tasting the pleasures that fan the flames inside, is how I chose to live. If it doesn't feel good, I don't want to do it. If it feels suffocating, I won't stay in that space, be it a job, a relationship, a home, a city… who would want to?
And while I am still trying to figure out the best ways for me to get to all the high hanging fruits I wish to taste of the world, I am still doing it at my own pace. On my own time. Why rush? Why spend my life feeling stressed and anxious about the ticking of the clock? It won't make tomorrow come any faster. And why would I want to rush time? Everyday I take to explore, to feel, to think, to experience, is another day that I learn something new about myself and what I am capable of. I get more clear on my vision for the future.
My life is not a series of checks and balances that need to be accomplished to feel success. It used to be. I used to hold this to-do list over my head like it was some piece of scripture to abide by. But the more I tried to follow this list, the less and less I was able to accomplish it, and the more and more unhappy and dissatisfied with life I became. Swinging to the complete opposite end of the spectrum, and doing absolutely nothing with myself, I finally settled into who I am with an understanding that I was not meant for either the structured life the average person lives, nor the chaos of a rule free life. I was somewhere between…. A wanderer who desires the flexibility to pick up and go when life calls her to, while also needing to know where I am headed.
I follow no maps. Just a direction and the pull of my heart.
I abide by no one else's rules for living. Just what feels right in my belly.
I love who I love. Regardless of color, gender or sexual orientation.
I listen to my intuition. Even when alarm bells ring and I am not yet sure why.
I trust that all will work out that way it is intended, and try to stay out of the way.
I am not a well behaved woman, and I wouldn't ever want to be.